That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
