There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
