Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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