So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
