Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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