You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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