At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
