I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I still have a little drunk in my system
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
