That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
