my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
