Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
