Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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