i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
