Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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