When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
