FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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