I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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