meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
