Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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