We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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