my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
