How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
