Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
