She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
