I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
