I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
