your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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