you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
