you would pick up someone in the library
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
