Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
