Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
