i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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