Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
