Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
