you're like a bully in the Christmas story
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
areolas are like halos for boobs.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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