There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
