The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just want to make out with him forever
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
