Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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