He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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