a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
