I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
