my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
