fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
