My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
