Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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