If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
