I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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