So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
