Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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