She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
